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"President Bill Clinton’s Speech" Aug. 17, 1998

CLINTON: Good evening.

[Yo.]

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

[Today, I got my arse dragged over the coals.]

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.

[I was lying like crazy trying to cover my arse.]

Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.

[I got busted, and now I’m trying to minimize the damage.]

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.

[I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a semantics game and was able to slither away without actually telling the truth.]

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.

[I have given a new definition to the term "screwed by the Government."]

In fact, it was wrong.

[We exhausted the Kama Sutra.]

It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.

[I was horny.]

But I told the grand jury today, and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.

[Hope you brought a shovel ‘cause here comes the bullsh*t...]

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression.

[I lied like a bitch.]

I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.

[Guess who’s not `getting any’ tonight?]

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.

[I thought I’d get away with the whole damn thing.]

I was also very concerned about protecting my family.

[Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of ‘ Soccer.’ ]

The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.

[I didn’t think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go this far.]

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrongdoing by me or my wife over two years ago.

[I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.]

The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.

[I’m still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who’ve caught me with my hand in the Cookie jar.]

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.

[Can’t everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!]